Why I'm voting for John Obama

I'm voting for John Obama because I believe he's the right man for the job. He'll do what every politician before him has done; tell us what we want to hear rhetorically (formerly referred to as "lying"). He will use his "Christian" faith to get votes and pander to huge groups of supposedly discerning constituents. He'll raise and lower taxes depending on what is politically feasible. He will listen to anyone who pays enough to have an opinion. He will spend an inordinate amount on defense, and not enough for other things that matter. John Obama is my hero. John Obama will pretend that America (and by association, Americans) is/are superior to everyone else and that they all wish they could be us and if we sell Americanism to the world, they'll be rid of their issues, just like we (almost) are. John Obama loves America. He loves apple pie, high school football, and knows that America needs to enact some "green policies" but will fail to mention to his minions that it will cost their cushy way of life dearly and that our society of consumerism is the single biggest culprit in climate change… after all, it takes a lot of hydrocarbons to move all that junk around the planet! But John Obama believes, even more now than ever, that capitalism is still the miracle cure for our ills and multi-national corporations should do what they want in the world because the only really bad poverty and exploitation is of Americans. John Obama will help restore balance in the universe while blindly supporting Israel, even though Israelis are not Israelites (but shhhh, people don't know that!), much to the chagrin of the millions of Arabs who get their news not from unbiased Western news outlets like CNN but from public terrorist networks like "the Island", Al-Jazeera. Oh yes, John Obama is the man for the job to run the most powerful nation on earth. He'll bring new jobs to America. He'll tell people in Michigan that Toyotas are not better vehicles and that labor union greed and corporate greed are not to blame for sales slumps, after all, who would drive a Lexus over a Lincoln? He'll try and fix healthcare, he's just not really sure he knows how to afford it no matter which route he chooses. He, along with his running mate, Joe Palin, will move quickly to enact many needed changes in American policy like keeping the death penalty even though real 'progressive' and equality-minded societies have long since banned it. He'll also keep the suppression of the metric system at the forefront on his domestic policy, after all, counting by 10's is just too easy and who actually wants to look at the small numbers on their speedometer? John Obama will finally make a decision this country has needed for some time. He will once and for all destroy the evil socialists of Bit Torrent, the P2P file-sharing network, which is the gravest threat to "intellectual property rights" since the iron curtain of communism. Speaking of Communism, John Obama will continue to chastise our brothers to the south. After all, they need to fix themselves, get rid of corruption, deal with the cartels, and convince millions of American addicts to buy American narcotics. John Obama hasn't yet decided on "The Fence", but he's decided on a slogan: "there's enough of you here already". That's why John Obama has developed the 'American Bypass Highway', which will stretch from Juarez to Toronto, is stocked with clean bathrooms and Taco Bells and NO off-ramps. He expects unanimous congressional support. Last but not least, John Obama will never look at the Constitution for guidance, because it's old and brown…. But Wait! Look over there!… a shiny Internet blog written by someone from Bakersfield saying they know something about "Constitutional Freedom!". John Obama will listen to him, the average Joe American. (notice how not a single woman is mentioned in this entire post? That's how John Obama would want it.)

This note is not written to support or tear down either presidential candidate whether it is John McCain or Barack Obama, as there are things about both of them I like and dislike. Rather it is simple satire at the expense of American politics as a whole and has the subtle intent of showing the candidate's similarities over their differences and that maybe the real issues get overlooked in the heat of partisan battle. This election cycle has been rife with doomsday predictions, xenophobia, and saviorizing the candidates ("God, save us from that other guy!") on both sides of the spectrum and I think I was sick of the proselytizing done by believers in the American political faith system who, in my opinion, need to cool it a bit. This isn't 'fair' and sure to upset some people, but I sure feel better.