Originally from Jake Hane's Blog: http://parapraxticals.blogspot.com/
There's really only one word to describe going backpacking in the Grand Canyon. If you're thinking "Grand," you'd be wrong and also not funny or clever. Speaking of clever, there's this little saying that goes "failing to prepare is preparing to fail." This is good advice when it comes to taking tests or planning a vacation or something, but not when it comes to the governenment, and I'm not referring to certain corporate bail-out plans. I'm talking of course about our National Parks Association or whatever it's called.
They give you two options to hike the Grand Canyon legally:
Option 1: Reserve a permit 9 months in advance
Option 2: Drive up to the Grand Canyon and physically write your name on a walk-in permit waiting list.
To hike illegally in the Grand Canyon, you just show up and hope you don't get caught. This is strikingly similar to the strategy adopted by Mexican border-crossers.
The Grand Canyon doesn't have Border Patrol though, so it's easier to get away with things. Just ask Dan Hoffman. Who's Dan Hoffman? Long story short, he's one of the 3 other guys I went with to the Grand Canyon last week, and he's hurt and he needs your help.
That's why I've created the Save Dan Hoffman Foundation. According to field data reports and eyewitness accounts, Dan is stranded somewhere in the Grand Canyon and here's how it happened:
Our group chose Option 2 and ended up miraculously getting a 2-night permit and awesome trail route after Dan and I accidentally made the nice Park Ranger Lady think we were veteran hikers who had just conquered Mt. Kilaminjaro the day before. So we went from having no plan, to having a great plan, to have it being completely altered.
About a mile into our hike, we realize we're being stalked by a Big Horn Sheep. It keeps appearing on these rock outcroppings, and each time it's closer and has this really territorial look in it's eyes. And then, out of nowhere after we stopped to take some pictures, it comes flying through the air with it's head down and takes Dan out at the knees.
Ryan pulls out his knife, puts the sheep in a headlock and stabs it in the brain with his 10-inch knife (nope that's not some euphemism, he really had this sweet knife!). The sheep and Ryan and Dan scrabble on the rocky terrain and after an indescribably long 15 seconds, it was over: Dan was laying on the trail with a compound fracture, gritting his teeth in pain. Ryan is covered in sheep blood and brains and completely out of breath and the sheep is in a couple pieces, most of which fell over the edge of the canyon. Me and Kevin are eating Clif bars.
We all decide that it's best to try and finish the hike so we can track down the rest of this sheep's tribe and brutally murder them with a vengeance. But first Ryan helped Dan hop back to the rim so he can get some medical attention. Ryan tells him if his knee is feeling better the next day to head down and try to catch up with us for our second day of hiking and sheep killing.
Ryan pulls out his knife, puts the sheep in a headlock and stabs it in the brain with his 10-inch knife (nope that's not some euphemism, he really had this sweet knife!). The sheep and Ryan and Dan scrabble on the rocky terrain and after an indescribably long 15 seconds, it was over: Dan was laying on the trail with a compound fracture, gritting his teeth in pain. Ryan is covered in sheep blood and brains and completely out of breath and the sheep is in a couple pieces, most of which fell over the edge of the canyon. Me and Kevin are eating Clif bars.
We all decide that it's best to try and finish the hike so we can track down the rest of this sheep's tribe and brutally murder them with a vengeance. But first Ryan helped Dan hop back to the rim so he can get some medical attention. Ryan tells him if his knee is feeling better the next day to head down and try to catch up with us for our second day of hiking and sheep killing.
Then, for whatever reason, we take our itinerary and launch it into SPACE and make our own plan: this plan includes camping in the wrong campground both times and hiking out a day early. When we get back to the top at 11 at night, it's cold and Ryan, Kevin and Me are pretty tired. Kevin is so tired he's not even speaking English anymore; instead he's muttering inanities in Armenian. That's understandable since we just hiked 9 miles that day and went up almost a mile in elevation. Ryan's limping, and was also a little pissed off that he didn't get to kill any squirrels with the knife he kept strapped to his hip. And I'm starting to realize that I was in no shape to hike more than a few flights of stairs, let alone the Grand Canyon.
We never did see any more sheep on that hike. But when we get to the top, we're all pretty eager to have Dan come pick us up in the car so we can eat some of the donuts we left in the trunk. And also to see how his leg is doing.
Making a really long story short, we can't get ahold of Dan. His cell phone goes straight to voicemail. After a few phone calls and a talk with some ranger named Bruce, we assume that Dan was either out for a day hike or had decided to try and hike down into the Grand Canyon to meet us.
And that brings us to the Save Dan Hoffman Foundation. No one has heard from, or seen Dan since Ryan helped him limp back to the top of the trail that fateful Sunday, October 5, 2008. So Ryan, Kevin and myself are accepting cash donations so that we can launch a full scale investigation and search for Dan, who is by now either dead or a crazed, injured canyon-dwelling nomad, lost forever in the depths of the largest crack in the world.
Think Sand People from Star Wars.
Think Sand People from Star Wars.
When we find Dan, we will give him the burial he deserves, or if he's alive, use the money that you send to get him a haircut and a good meal. The main portion of the funds will go toward buying a helicopter so we can fly around and look for him. Factoring in the other rescue gear we'll need, the total amount we need to raise is about $5 Million.
So what I'm asking is for you to look in your heart and ask yourself, what would Dan do? Dan would have given you $5 million if you needed it, because that's what kind of guy he is. Or was.
If you were wondering what word describes backpacking in the Grand Canyon, and haven't figured it out yet, I'll just tell you:
give.
That's all, just give.
And if you're wondering how and when Dan evaded Canyon Police and got around not having a permit... well, you'll just have to donate to our foundation so we can find him.
And if you can't give monetarily, please just say some prayers and know that we will never speak to you again because you obviously don't care THAT much.
