take my life.

take my life.

the past couple of days have been a culmination of something God has been doing in me for a number of years, specifically in the past three months. and praise God because He is good, and i will choose to praise Him amidst my deepest pain and greatest loss. what loss is that? the loss of something i loved in ways that will forever be unknown except to God and i. the (probable) loss of my job. the loss of a grade at school for a class i will probably fail. The loss of my identity as someone stole it. and it was that phone call from USAA reminding me that my identity was not my own anymore that it hit me that this is the story of the past few years of my life. everything has changed since i came back from overseas in 2005. everything. many things have been asked of me that i failed to deliver on. i started to see everything anew, experiencing radical change. every belief i used to have has been shattered. i prayed a prayer a long time ago desiring brokenness and this is where it has led me: to loss. i don't know if He is done and if this is really the culmination, but at the bottom all you can see is up. there are no romantic ideals attached to that concept, and no one's pity will make anything fair or easier. it was never about me, however, it is about Him. making me willing. making me available. making me understand the things i couldn't understand otherwise. i choose to love Him then. i put my heart, the broken, divided, and overused thing that it is, into my palm and offer it with a pained, whispered 'take my life'. He puts His nail-pierced palm out and lets life drip from it onto me saying tenderly 'Take My Life'. but Christ's life takes something i'm not sure i have, courage. i could die much easier for someone i love than to sacrifice my life for simply more pain and loss... but as G.K. Cheserton said "Courage is almost a contradiction in terms. It means a strong desire to live taking the form of a readiness to die." He goes on to say, referencing Matthew 10:39, "'He that will lose his life, the same shall save it', is not a piece of mysticism for saints and heroes." in me is such a strong desire to truly live... and to lose my life. do i have the courage now that i have little left to give up?